Guess Nobody Proofreads The Articles Nowadays: Woot Weads The Wire

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

SALEM, Mass. (UPI) — The proprietor of the first witch shop in Salem, Mass., said she is closing the business after about 40 years.

Rumors point to the increase in black market secular knockoffs undercutting her prices while making it impossible for the consumer to tell which is witch.

SAN FRANCISCO (UPI) — A skateboard died after rolling through a red light in the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco, police said.

The skateboard is survived by its wife, a scooter, and their twins, a pair of roller skates.

LUBECK, Germany, Jan. 11 (UPI) — A handwritten letter by Ludwig van Beethoven reveals the German composer was displeased about his “low salary.”

Experts say the artist was furious at the new technology known as “sheet music” which allowed his ideas to be transcribed and freely shared.

LONDON (REUTERS) – Britain took the rare step of stripping former Royal Bank of Scotland chief Fred Goodwin of his knighthood, following intense criticism of his role in RBS’ near-collapse during the 2008 credit crisis, and public anger towards wealthy bankers.

Under penalty of law, Goodwin will no longer be allowed to move in a L-shape and will be forced to surrender his pretty horsey head.

WASHINGTON (UPI) — Is democratic capitalism sowing the seeds of its own destruction, as Karl Marx predicted a century and a half ago?

And in a related story, the guy who writes headlines was finally revealed to be a sophomore Poli Sci major.

KILLYLEAGH, Northern Ireland (UPI) — A Northern Ireland woman whose father’s field was covered in tons of fish from an overturned truck said the scene was “like something out of the Bible.”

Religious officials say the famous “Parable Of The Overturned Truck” is often named one of the most moving passages in all of literature.