Sean University: Your mission statement, if you choose to accept it

People think that only spies get to have missions, but that’s not true! Anyone can have a mission; it’s just that the ones that spies do are kept secret. That’s why, if you’re not a spy and you want a mission, you just need to announce it. For example, if I want to fill up this mug on my desk with coffee, I can go on a coffee-filling mission, as long as I say, “Hey guys! My mission is to get coffee!” If I don’t tell anyone, that means the mission is now secret, which then makes me a spy, and so I’m likely to get shot or strangled by an enemy spy on my way to the break room.

But people who aren’t spies aren’t the only ones who need to announce their missions. Businesses do too, in the form of a “Mission Statement.” This might seem simple; you might think you can just write, “Our mission is to get you to pay us for the thing we do” and be done with it. But there’s more to it than that. You’ve got to word your mission statement in a way that leads your customers to believe that you’re intelligent and honest, which is really hard, especially if you’re an idiot who likes to make stuff up.

Not sure where to start? No biggie! We, the faculty of the Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership, have got you covered. Here are a few essential dos and don’ts for writing your business’s mission statement:

Do discuss your commitment to excellence!

Don’t mention that you’re afraid of commitment, and so you might just leave excellence high and dry one of these days to go shack up with for that hussy mediocre, because you’re tired of being tied down!

Do ensure customer satisfaction!

Don’t make the asterisk next to “customer satisfaction” too big. (Likewise with the font-size for the footnote where you explain that by “customer” you mean “clouds” and by “satisfaction” you mean “happen sometimes.”)

Do talk about how you strive to be the undisputed global leader in your field!

Don’t include a scanned picture of your butt with the caption, “this is what the competition sees.” That might be considered tasteless, unless you’re in the butt industry.

Do promise to exceed your customer’s expectations!

Don’t let customers who expect quality and consistency see this part of the mission statement.

Do preach integrity and innovation!

Don’t then distribute your mission statement on a disposable floppy disk. That kind of undermines the whole thing.

Now, using what you’ve learned here, please write a mission statement for your business or for The Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership and post it in the comments section below.