Woot’s Guide to Buzz-Killing a Super Bowl Party
It’s that time of year again, when America dupes itself into thinking the entire world drops everything and turns on the TV to see that we’re still insisting on calling proper football “soccer” and our bastardized rugby “football.” Of course not everyone will be glued to the television; in fact not everyone will even know who’s playing, but speaking as a fan of the NFL and (American) football in general, one of the best parts of Super Bowl Sunday is a good Super Bowl party. If you don’t know the difference between a two minute drill and a touchback you might feel awkward even GOING to one, but don’t worry; making everyone else feel awkward is EVEN MORE FUN. Just follow our handy guide…
“Go, team.”
The Food
Aside from the actual game, food is the biggest draw of any Super Bowl party. If you have the kind of friends who have a “secret recipe” for something that involves the words “barbecue,” “hot sauce,” or “meat” this will be the day they deem their guests worthy and make it. In spades. It shouldn’t really come as a surprise given that it’s an American pseuo-holiday, but this is all about eating.
The Normal Approach
Bring something to share, potluck style. You literally can’t go wrong with any of the following: hot wings, nachos, hot dogs, bratwurst, pizza, and for some reason cocktail weenies. You can even phone it in and show up with a couple of extra large bags of chips if you’re feeling particularly uninspired.
Raise a Few Eyebrows
If this is your first venture into trying to make people feel uncomfortable on purpose, this is a real easy place to start. Bring something intentionally obtuse, ornate, and difficult to enjoy as your contribution. You’re not going for gross, people will just think you’re a jerk. Think more along the lines of whole artichokes, escargots, or pomegranates. Make sure people know you put a LOT of time and effort into it. React incredibly poorly to any criticism of your dish, feigning despair and/or tears. Watch as everyone silently and uncomfortably chews on your “family recipe” of boiled shrimp legs and smile knowingly.
Really Make it Awkward
For the professional creeper-outer a day dedicated to sloth and gluttony should be a pretty broad target. If you’re really looking to make your fellow partygoers feel bad, simply compliment the spread. Name each dish individually, talking about how delicious it is, how much of it was made, and especially how much (if any) was left over. Then sigh heavily and lament, “I can’t help but think of how many families this could’ve fed.” If that doesn’t elicit some guilty faces, mention it’s a shame that no one thought to invite some people from the homeless shelter as honored guests.
The Commercials
Even if you’ve never seen a football game in your life, you know that the Super Bowl is a big deal for commercials. Because so many people are watching at once the price of ad space is at a premium, so it’s when the “best of the best” ads are shown.
The Normal Approach
The downside to all the glitz, glamour, and hype is that every year ad critics and audience members alike are let down by the offerings. There are only so many “innovative” ways to cram a Clydesdale into a beer commercial, after all. Watch each ad in complete silence with your host and other guests, then when the game ends simply comment, “Gosh, the commercials weren’t very good as last year.”
Raise a Few Eyebrows
Sigh heavily and say something snarky like, “Oh boy, another chance to be marketed to. Now I see what everyone’s so excited about.” Feel free to point out the uselessness of every product you see, how it’s bad for your health or how you already have something that does the same thing for less.
Really Make it Awkward
Adopt a loud, braying laugh at every commercial you see. It doesn’t matter how funny it is or isn’t. It doesn’t matter how funny everyone else finds it. The more over-the-top you act, the more awkward everyone else will feel as they run the gamut from on the same page to amused to slightly puzzled to offended. Say nothing, but continue laughing a loud, hardy belly laugh like a cackling victim of the Joker throughout every single commercial break.
The Game
Okay sure, you don’t watch football. You might not have the faintest idea what’s happening on the field, but at the very least it’s a swirl of flashy colors on the screen. But if we’ve proven one thing here at Woot, it’s that you don’t have to know anything about a topic to creep people out about it. And we’re not even going to stoop to pointing out the dichotomy of football’s inherent homophobia and man-on-man sexual undertones!
The Normal Approach
Bide your time and wait for the big play. You’ll know it’s a big play by the chorus of excited shouts and/or groans of despair your fellow partygoers will emit. Don’t worry about trying to blend in; there’s actually a golden silence after each of those vocal eruptions that’s absolutely RIPE for a well-placed barb. For example, if there’s an interception (that happens when the guy in green throws the ball to a guy in white, or vice versa) try something like, “NICE THROW, Mr. Magoo!” Don’t worry about team affiliations: no one is more sadistic towards a football team than its own fans. Your only concern should be overt celebration for one side in a crowd of opposition sympathizers. People won’t tolerate much gloating, but they will absolutely revel in commiserating with you.
Raise a Few Eyebrows
If there’s anything people love debating more than football it’s current events. Take advantage of both! Start a poll among the party over which player you’d rather have text you a photo of their genitals. If you don’t know any football players, just look at the screen and pick a jersey number. If you can convince anyone to actually play along, be sure to ridicule their choice as “gross.”
Really Make it Awkward
Loudly state, every time he takes the field, “Boy that Ben Roethlisberger is taking advantage of this defense like it’s a scared drunk college student trying to refuse sex while locked in a restroom with him!”
Think you’ve got a better way to ruin a Super Bowl party? Want to express your displeasure whilst guaranteeing you will NEVER invite us to your awesome Super Bowl party? Want to enter a contest to watch next year’s Super Bowl with the Woot Writers? Let us know in the comments below! (Except for the contest part. There is no contest.)
Flickr Photos (in order)
Baby Shower Super Bowl by Joe Shlabotnik
Sweetcorn by kanshiketsu
Rosie continues to request a seat on the couch, while everyone enjoys the conversation, watching TV, Wedgwood, Washington, USA 3129 by Wonderlane
Super Bowl ’05 by Jeff Wilcox
used under a Creative Commons license.
bowl , BuzzKilling , guide , Party , Super , Woot's 
February 4th, 2011
